Remember the Word Forget
by Hansi And Ernst Sittin InATree
Summary: Hernst...Ernst's POV...OOOC Hanschen..Please Review! New Chapters Coming Soon, I Promise! xx
1. Look Into His Eyes

**Hi! So this is my first Fanfic and to be honest im quite proud of it! (There's nothing like modesty, eh? =p) but it's kinda sad so, sorry about that, anyway I'll let you read now but thanks for deciding to read my fic!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening, if I did Hanschen would have to wear a 'Make Awkward Sexual Advances Not War' T-shirt...XD  
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**_Remember the Word Forget_  
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Chapter One:_ Look Into His Eyes…_

'_Hanschen!'_

I grope blindly, into the darkness until I make contact with skin. He grasps my hand and intertwines his fingers with mine, his other hand resting against my upper arm; they feel cool against my clammy skin.

'Im here Ernst – right here – I'll always be here'

He rubs a hand rhythmically along my back, calming me, steadying my rugged breaths. I lean into his shoulder, holding back the tears, and hiding my embarrassment. I awake like this almost every night. In a frenzied panic, screaming his name and grasping frantically for my lover. And true to his word; he is _always_ there. With the help of his soft caresses and soothing words I will slip back into a peaceful slumber.

Eventually.

'I'm sorry' I whimper into his shoulder.

'It's okay' he reassures me whilst toying with a wisp of my hair.

He rests his head against the top of mine and I lean further into him. He wraps both arms around me. I relish at the new sensation. Hanschen only hugs me on occasion. He doesn't like routine, every time with him is like the first time, always different, and every time more pleasurable. Sometimes his kisses are soft, some times fervent but one thing, much to my delight, never changes; he always tastes the same, ever so sweet, and although he's not always gentle, I melt to his touch.

**Every time.**

He pulls away slightly and tilts my head up. As he moves closer to kiss me, I wait in eager anticipation, how will approach the kiss this time? His lips press softly against mine, my lips tingle and it swells throughout my whole body. He's kissing me slowly, tentatively, we haven't kissed like this in a long time, which is a shame because I like kissing like this, and it makes me feel wanted. Not that when he's kissing me passionately I don't feel wanted, but it's in a completely different way. He breaks away from this kiss and cradles me back into his shoulder.

'I love you, Hanschen' my lips reverberate gently against his skin.

He heaves a sigh, rustling my hair.

'I know' he whispers into my ear 'I know'

That doesn't get any less painful. After all this time it still hurts that he can't reply properly. Its not that he doesn't love me, as conceited as this sounds, I know he does. He's almost said it so many times lately, that's the only time he ever falters with his speech. He will start to say it, but then his eyes will dart quickly to the ground, and he'll find a way of re-wording his sentence.

'Perhaps we could try to get back to sleep now, Ernst?'

I nod, as he lays us back down, my head resting against his chest.

He kisses my forehead tenderly, wrapping the bed sheets tightly around us. As if I'm not hot enough, Hanschen's like a stove. I can feel my eyelids becoming heavy as I listen to the serene thrumming of his heartbeat.

'Ernst?'

'Yes Hanschen?'

Silence blankets the rooms, covering every inch of it, and engulfing Hanschen and I in its wake.

'Nothing, It can wait till morning, go to sleep Ernst.'

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**So did you like it? Hate It? Wonder why Hanschen is so deliriously OOC? Please do tell me…in a **_**REVIEW!**_** If you would like me to continue this there will be a about 3 more chapters. And the chapter title (and story title) is some lyrics from Role of a Lifetime from the wonderful Bare. Thankyou for reading…=)**


	2. For Some Compromise

**Thankyou all SOO MUCH for your reviews last chapter =D I haven't really got much to say, so on with Chapter Two! (Sorry, Its kinda long!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. If I did own Spring Awakening…I would also own Hanschen and Ernst…and then God knows what would happen.**

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**Remember the Word Forget**

Chapter Two:_ For Some Compromise _

'Ernst, wake up'

I roll over. I don't want to wake up. Not yet.

He grabs my shoulder and shakes it gently. 'Ernst, wake up'

I grunt in response. He shakes my shoulder again, but more violently this time.

'Ernst. Get up. Now'

'No' I mumble as I feel something soft engulfing my head, I presume it is a pillow as Hanschen keeps whacking me repeatedly with it.

'Ernst! Wake Up!'

'Hansi! Stop!' I plead light-heartedly, holding my arms up to barricade my head. He chuckles brightly; the sound caressing the morning air. I notice the window is open and the mellow sound of birdsong is wafting into the room.

'Hurry up and get dressed Ernst, I was thinking that we should go for walk today' I nod and dress myself quickly and only now I notice that Hanschen is already dressed.

'How long have you been awake?' I query

'Just a little while'

Once I am fully dressed he drags me down the staff staircase that leads to the back of the house, releasing his grip on my hand as we reached the bottom.

'Friedelinde!' Hanschen calls towards the kitchen. A few moments later a young, flour covered girl bustles towards us, wiping her hands on her apron.

'Yes, Herr Rilow?'

'Could you write a note to my mother informing her that I have gone for a walk with Ernst?'

'Certainly sir' she turns back towards the kitchen, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. And then my stomach growls most unattractively. I feel my cheeks flush with blood as Hanschen's gaze penetrates though my skull.

'Ernst, are you hungry?'

I nod

'Well why didn't you say something!' he snaps, almost impatiently.

'I knew you wanted to get out of the house so…'

'Friedelinde!' he calls again, the mousy haired girl returns. 'Friedelinde, could you fetch Ernst and I some pastries from the kitchen – In fact make a whole picnic basket, enough for lunch too'

'Of course, Herr Rilow'

'Thankyou'

I glance after the young girl. She looks about our age, too young to be working full time, no other girls in our town work. The other thing is, I don't recognise her, and I have come to know all the Rilow family's staff, some on a first name basis.

'Is she new, Hansi?'

'Who?'

'The girl'

'Oh yes' he replies dismissively 'She came here asking for work, she claims to be nineteen , but Fraulein Baumgartner thinks she is much younger.'

Fraulein Baumgartner is Hanschen's little sister's nanny and, although Hanschen will never admit it, she is his nanny also.

He forces a loud, impatient sigh.

'What is taking her so long? Excuse me a moment, Ernst.' And he flits down the corridor and though the double doors that lead to the kitchen.

Three women appear from another door to the side of me, I recognise the youngest one to be Elke, and she smiles merrily at me.

'Good morning Ernst!'

'Good morning Elke' I reply, she receives an elbow in the ribs from one of the aging women beside her.

'Did you sleep well, Herr Robel?' the eldest woman croaks, her grey hair slicked back into a bun that looks uncomfortably tight.

'Yes, thankyou'

'Good good, well we had best be leaving you, we have silverware to polish' she turns to her companions 'and Frau Rilow wants us to make sure that all of the..' her voices fades slightly as she steps into another room , closely followed by the younger woman and Elke; who leaves the door slightly ajar.

Suddenly I'm swamped by a burning curiosity. I always wondered what women spoke of when completing their daily tasks. I creep silently towards the door, stopping a few inches away, as I try to attune my ears to their voices.

'Of course' a voice responds 'and I heard they share a bed; at their age! It is most improper'

'I know' a croaky voice replies 'I've seen them myself'

'How?'

'I took a peek into his room a few weeks back'

'You went into Hanschen's room without being granted permission!' A young voice gasps in disbelief, the voice evidently belonging to Elke.

'Oh, do be quite girl, and don't refer to the family or their guests by their first names, it's uncouth.'

'And also, I've seen them holding hands!' the aged voice says, returning to the topic.

'But do really think that they could be…you know…_that way_'

I flinch at her choice of words._ 'That Way'_ what was that supposed to insinuate? The worst part is I know exactly what she is getting at. Pushing my thoughts momentarily to the back of my mind, I start listening to the women again.

'I don't know, I cant imagine Herr Rilow letting his only son behave in such ways, and the Robel boy seems bizarrely naïve, when I've seen him about town, he seems completely unaware of the looks he receives from some of the girls. Honestly Gretna, it's as if they've never seen anyone male before, it is most unsuitable.'

'But perhaps he knows of the looks he obtains, and chooses to ignore them?'

'I'd never thought of it that way'

I am most certainly not aware such things! The girls don't like me that way, I am Ernst; their shy friend who would much rather play with them than be incorporated with the other boys and their rough games. I am no Melchior Gabor, and not an object of their desires. At least, I thought I wasn't.

'And what if they are only friends...'

'Oh hush child!'

'But surely they're not! In all honesty, I just can't picture the Rilow child and his little friend being like_ that.'_

'And what if they are!' Elke cries incredulously 'I think that they would make a most adorable couple'

I hear the sound of skin making contact with skin – a slap- and Elke's intake of breath.

'Don't you _ever_ say that again, Fraulein! It sickens me to think of people condoling with such things, and it sickens me even more to think someone in my acquaintance would even consider agreeing to it!'

'But what is so wrong about two people being in love and wanting togetherness?'

'The problem with two _men_ loving each other is that it against god's will. It is a sin child! _Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination._'

Her quote was word-perfect. So many times I have read that phrase, tracing my fingers over those tainted words, but soon enough the tears seep out and I have to stop reading. My mind darts about thinking of so many others of the bible's teachings.

_If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them._

'Ernst?' I feel his arm snake around my waist. 'Are you ready to leave?'

***

After a short journey we arrive in a small clearing that has a gentle brook passing though and honeysuckles are dotted all over the fresh, green grass. He opens the picnic basket and removes the contents.

Try as I might to focus, I can't. All I have is those horrible women's shrill voices permeating my mind. Are Hanschen and I really that obvious, I thought we did quite well at being inconspicuous? We barely ever talk at school; only polite nods are exchanged, but never smiles. Smiles are to intimate and saved for our time alone. All those stolen moments, the things I cherish most, are they really all out there for people to spoil with their sordid views of the world? My only true pleasure in life tarnished by those who will never fully understand. In amongst grief I also feel guilt; Elke was caused pain due to mine and Hanschen's behaviour, but I will be forever grateful for her actions.

_But do you really think that they could be…you know…that way._

Shut-up.

_I can't imagine Herr Rilow letting his only son behave in such ways._

Shut-up.

_I just can't picture the Rilow child and his little friend being like that._

**SHUT-UP!**

Oh, why won't the voices stop, even just for a moment, just so I can think? All those times in church, when my friends discuss their crushes and when my mother discusses whom I shall marry, not one of those times have I ever felt as guilty…as _wrong_, as I do now. I shall certainly end up in hell, and to think, Im dragging Hanschen straight down there with me. None of it is fair, not of it makes sense, can't we just live in a world free of prejudices and taboos and just have our pleasure and togetherness without cost? No, no that will never happen, people _like us_ will always be sick degenerates to those who life's aren't saturated with lust and soiled by sin.

We will undoubtedly be outcasts. Always.

'Ernst! I am trying to have a conversation, and you are blatantly ignoring me!' Hanschen's voice scatters my thoughts, breaking my reverie.

'Oh, s-sorry, Hansi'

'What's wrong?'

'N-nothing Hanschen, I'm f-fine, honestly.'

'Ernst, you are terrible liar, now tell me what the matter is?'

I swallow hard. Do I bear my soul to him as I usually do, or will her perhaps get mad at me, but like he said, I'm a terrible liar, so I shall go with the truth.

'Hanschen, I know that it is, but…why is what we are doing so…so _wrong_?'

Hanschen sighs, running a hand though his perfectly coiffed hair. 'Not this again Ernst?'

'Sorry'

'Ernst, I presume you think love is beautiful thing, would I be correct'

'Of course I do!'

'Right-and we are in l…' He stops, and gives an ephemeral glance to the strand of grass he is toying with. 'You love me, yes?'

He's done it again, almost said it. I must admit I do get rather annoyed with him at times. How hard is it to say three words? Those three simple, one syllable words, I don't understand how they can pose so much threat to one such as Hanschen. He is everything in my world – and more, and although I understand I may not mean as much to him, I know I mean something, don't I?

'Oh, you know I do Hanschen, as I have never…'

'Well then' he cuts me off, not hiding the pained expression on his practically flawless face. 'Love is beautiful, and those who find ugly meanings in beautiful things are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault of theirs, Ernst, not ours'

'But…'

'No buts Ernst, if it distresses you so much that you wish to leave me. I will understand entirely.'

I grasp his shoulders, and make sure he meets my gaze, which possibly wasn't the best idea, as I melt every time we make eye contact. His eyes are the bluest of blue and framed delicately with a heavy canopy of golden lashes. They are about the only visible part of him that is soft, well, besides his skin…and his hair…and his lips…

'I never want to leave you Hanschen, ever, you mean the world to me, and god knows so much more. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you left me, I might just have to give up on life entirely if you...'

This time it is him who grabs me, his grip painfully tight.

'Don't you ever, ever, say that again Ernst! You promise me wont even think it?'

'O-oh…okay Hansi'

'Good' he says, releasing his grip. He turns his attention back to the assortment of fruit and cakes from the picnic basket.

'Is it made up entirely of sweets?' I ask, expecting a facetious reply as I have undeniably stated the obvious.

'We all need a bit of sweetness in our life.' Not the reply I was expecting.

I lean back on my arms, resting them slightly behind me and my crossed legs, and I tilt my head up, looking at the blue sky that is peeking from behind the fluffy white clouds.

'Ernst?'

'Yes' I say turning to face him, before he pops a whole strawberry into my mouth. He smirks smugly at me; his smirk quickly becomes laughter as he registers my shocked expression.

'Not fair!' I say, grasping a handful of grapes and attempting to shove them into his mouth, But he keeps his lips pressed shut and the grapes smush awkwardly around them. He raises an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed, and wipes his mouth with a handkerchief, removing all of the offending grape-juice.

'Ernst, do you wish to waste all of my food or would you care to eat some?'

I take a slice of cake and sink my teeth through the soft sponge; he smiles and grabs his own slice.

***

I feel sick. I have eaten far too much and I am sure that I could go for the rest of my life without eating anything sweet ever again, well, maybe not.

Hanschen offers me another strawberry, I refuse politely.

'But Ernst' he protests 'This could be the best strawberry that you will ever taste in the whole of your existence. The one and only sublime strawberry. And you are passing up that opportunity with a simple shake of the head?' he says, wafting said fruit suggestively in front of my face.

'Perhaps if I add some cream you might be more tempted' he dunks the strawberry into a small ceramic pot of cream, skimming gently across the surface. He holds the strawberry in front of my face, the other hand underneath, catching the drips. I sigh, and take the strawberry into my mouth. I feel my teeth sink into the fleshy centre of the fruit, splitting it messily in half. He takes that half and eats it himself. After swallowing, he licks his lips, those lips that are stained a most delightful shade of red from the strawberries...

'Ernst…what are you looking at?'

'Y-your lips'

'Why? Do you want something?' he asks.

'No, it's just…' He cuts me of with a sweet, simple kissing, laying me down against the grass. My lips part as he slips his tongue into my mouth, our lips working in perfect unison.

The sky rumbles and Hanschen pulls up, as we glance at the steadily darkening clouds. And then, as if someone has turned the taps on, the heavens open upon us. The rain beats incessantly down over us and the picnic. I look around in awe, never have I known it to rain so much at once.

'Oh! Its raining' I gasp, referring more to the quantity rather than the fact.

'Really? I hadn't noticed!' He exclaims his voice dripping with a sultry sarcasm.

Quickly we shove the remaining food back into the basket and stand up. Hanschen removes his jacket and holds it above his head, sheltering himself from the rain; he offers me the other side, which I accept graciously. We run as fast as my legs will carry us – I say only my legs because if he so chose to, Hanschen could run off ahead of me, taking his jacket and the sodden picnic with him, but, politely, he walks at my pace. We dash into my house slamming the door behind us. I shake my head, spraying flecks of rain around me. Hanschen takes the spoiled food into the kitchen.

'Ernst? There's a note here for you' I walk over to him to read the note.

_Dearest Ernst_

_Your father and I have taken Emmeline to see your Aunt Eingelfriedde. We will be returning late, so please remember to eat something and make sure all your homework is completed before you go to bed._

_God Bless_

_Mutti _

'Well Ernst, as much as I wish to stay, I can not. My elder sister, Natascha, is coming home to visit from Dusseldorf and I must be home when she arrives.'

'Okay' I reach up and press my lips gently to his. 'See you tomorrow, Hansi!'

'Goodbye Ernst' he says as he walks out the front door, into the onslaught of rain.

Deciding I best make a start on my Latin, I run upstairs to my bed room, change into a set fresh clothes, and settle myself comfortably on the bed, ready to study…without a certain someone distracting me, as I usually have. I glance out of the window; the rain is beating ceaselessly against everything it comes into contact with. When I was little my father once told me that the Lord casts rain upon the Earth to wash away our sins, and I can't help but think, I should be out there too.

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**Okay, so in all honesty this chapter wasn't exactly necessary, I could have skipped straight to the next chapter (which is only half written) but I wanted to add this so, meh. Fell free to ask about the randomness of it, but do be prepared for a random answer…Reviews would be nice! =)**


	3. Remember the Word Forget

**To my lovely reviewers- you guys are made of epic win rainbows, seriously, thank-you!**

**I don't like this chapter…**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Spring Awakening I would make Hanschen and Ernst get married (It's legal in the UK)…**

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**Remember the Word Forget**

Chapter Three:_ Remember the Word Forget_

I lift my head from the page of my book. Oh God! I fell asleep. Then I realise what woke me. There is a heavy, persistent banging on the door. I run hastily down the stairs and pull the front door open.

'Oh! Hallo Han – What's wrong?'

His face is wet; I presume that it isn't just from the rain as his eyes are puffy and red raw. There are bruises forming on his face and he has a cut above his left eye, the blood matting greatly into his dishevelled blond hair.

'Oh my God! Hanschen! What happened?! Come inside...'

'I cant – I don't – I shouldn't be here Ernst, I don't have time' he says, grasping my hand and pulling me out onto the porch.

'W-what's wrong, Hanschen, please tell me!'

'M-my family…they know.'

Oh God no! Please tell this isn't happening. They can't know, they just can't! So many questions are floating round in my mind; I don't know which to ask first.

'What? How?'

'One of the maids found your letters Ernst, when I got in m-my father just started screaming at me and he tried to strike me but Natascha stood in front of me and he struck her instead, the bastard. My mother tried to stop him, she really did, but he just threw her aside and then he w-wouldn't stop Ernst, he just kept hitting and screaming…I…I…' he whimpers uncharacteristically. I gasp, and I'm embarrassed for him, it must be so awkward for him; being so aberrantly exposed like this.

His knees buckle and I pull him towards me, and he leans into me, his shoulders heaving from his crying. I'm scared. Hanschen doesn't cry, let alone get into hysterical states such as this. I feel hot, salty tears well in my eyes, before they stream down my face. I glance over his shoulder and notice various amounts of pooling red seep through his thin, white shirt, What in God's name has his father done to him? Had our love caused Herr Rilow to be in such a frenzied rage that he would strike his own daughter, his wife and beat his only son so mercilessly? I knew Hanschen's father struck him, but never has it been like this, never so drastic that Hanschen would be bleeding so much, I pull my hand away from it resting place on his shoulder blade, and his blood stains the inside of my hand.

'We…w-were m-m-moving' he mumbles into my shoulder.

'W-what?' my voice breaks.

Oh god! Please no, he can't…I…we…its not supposed to happen this way! I cling desperately to him.

'We're leaving…tonight'

My strangled whimper makes him flinch and his eyes flicker to mine.

'H-Hanschen…please. No, don't… Hanschen, d-don't leave, I cant…we…'

'Ernst…No…' He says as he straightens up to his full height.

'W-w-what?'

'Don't cry, I'm not worth you tears'

'Oh, shut-up Hanschen, you know you are'

He cups my face in his hands.

'Ernst, please- I'm begging you – don't make this any harder than it has to be, just let me go and it will be far less painful for the both of us.'

'No!'

'Yes Ernst' he whispers, wiping the fat, brackish tears away from my face.

'No! Hanschen, you c-cant just leave me…please…Dear God! You can't do this to me!'

How can he be so willing just to leave me? Do I really mean that little to him?

'You're blaming me for this!'

'No…no…its just…how can you just walk away…Don't you care?'

'Don't you dare! Who do you think you are saying I don't care! Of course I care, Ernst! Why would I come here when I'm supposed to be packing if I didn't care about you!' he shouts, a fresh bout of tears escaping with his words. 'I fucking love you, Ernst Robel'

We both gasp at what he just said. Those words I waited so long for him to say, and he tells me now, as he's about to leave.

'_Oh God_' he whispers.

'Hanschen…p-please don't do this…c-cant we just…' I sob, unable to finish my sentence.

'Ernst, I have to leave! At least this way you won't be hurt, my father doesn't want to tell anyone, not even your parents, he can't bare the shame. He wants us to leave, a clean break. But if we stay…y-you know what will happen Ernst, and I just can't bare that to happen to you.'

'But H-Hanschen…'

'But nothing Ernst, forget me, forget everything we ever did together and forget everything we ever felt for each-other and…'

'No!' I cry 'N-no! I don't want to forget you Hanschen, ever; you'll always be a part of me.'

'Ernst' he says, his tone abrasive 'Forget. Me. If you want to remember anything…feign innocence…always.'

'Hanschen…please!'

'Ernst, stop! Just stop, okay'

I'm waiting. Waiting to wake up and for this to be some horrible nightmare. Waiting to find myself in Hanschen's warm embrace, and not to be seeing him sobbing uncontrollably.

'I…I l-love you Hanschen'

'Oh God, Ernst! I'm sorry!'

He pulls me towards him and our lips crash together desperately. My arms wrap firmly around his neck, his in a vice-like grip around my waist. We cling to each other in a frantic passion, never wanting to let go, I can't let go, because once I do I know I'll have lost him. I don't care that we are outside; exposed to the world. I don't care if the whole god-forsaken town are staring; all I care about is Hanschen. I feel his own tears against my burning cheeks, and I just wish he'd stop crying, I can't stand seeing him like this…so vulnerable. Seeing him standing bare, so defenceless, so innocent, it pains me to see him in such a state. Eventually we pull away, but he keeps his forehead rested against mine. I heard a soft thud but think nothing of it. I raise my hand and rest it against his chest; he places one of his hands atop of mine.

'W-why are thing s-so complicated' I whisper

'I don't know, Ernst' he replies, kissing the top of my head, and only now I realise his other hand is gently stroking my hair. He brings his hand down towards my face and lets his fingers run from my temple to my jaw; his hand rests there as he traces his thumb over my lips. I lean into his touch and press my lips to the inside of his hand. He leans forward slowly, and kisses my forehead gently.

'HANSCHEN ULBRECHT RILOW!'

A look of sheer terror glosses over Hanschen's features, and I'm sure my face mirrors his horror.

'WHERE ARE YOU BOY?!'

Herr Rilow's voice splits the night air, spoiling mine and Hanschen's togetherness. I grasp at his shirt, realising that he has to leave. He pulls me close again wrapping his arms around me. I inhale, trying to remember his scent and the way his arms feel around me. He brings his lips to my ear.

'I love you'

'I love you too'

He attempts to pull away, but I try and hold him back, I struggle against his strength.

'Ernst, l-let me go' he whimpers, so I do. But just before he turns away I grab his hand, interlacing my fingers with his. I press my lips against his for a final time, his lips linger on mine for a short while, and I don't mind as it will help me remember the soft fullness of his lips…and the taste. I don't care what Hanschen says, I will never forget him.

'HANSCHEN!'

He pulls away, clearing the hedge and running into the night. But not before he looks back over his shoulder, stealing a glance at me. After he's no longer in sight I avert my gaze to the ground, and notice Hanschen's sodden jacket, that must have been the thud as he dropped it. I pick it up and clutch it too my chest. I realise my attempts at not crying on the garment are futile, so I just let the tears run down my face, staining my cheeks. I bring my hand up to my face, feeling my lips. Oh God, how has this happened to us?

I'm suddenly overcome with a wave of nausea, so I dash into the house, slamming the door behind me; I throw his jacket onto the table and bolt into the kitchen, before leaning over the sink. As my innards gush into the basin a sense of self-loathing creeps upon me, I could have done more to stop him leaving. Eventually, I stop vomiting and wipe the rancid bile away from my mouth.

I find my legs leading me towards the table. I pick Hanschen's jacket up and bring it towards my face, I rest my cheek against one of the lapels, and that's when my cry catches in my throat, causing me to cough. I bring my hand up to my mouth, to cover Hanschen's jacket from any of the spray. When I remove my hand I can't help but notice the flecks of blood present against my milky skin. My legs give way beneath me and I sink to the floor against the oak table. My sobs, that are no longer silent, pierce the atmosphere in the hushed room.

He's gone, he's actually gone. No more of him whispering sweet nothings into my ear, no more distracting me in class. No longer will I hear him say my name in the way only he can, causing me to blush in such a way it make's a roses petal's look dull. No more sneaky glances, no more kisses, no more stolen moments and no more _us._

I lie down on the kitchen floor, still hugging the jacket. The cool tile feels pleasant against my burning skin.

* * *

'Emmeline, have you got all of your bags dear?' my mothers muffled voice calls from outside. 'Remember Ernst will probably be asleep, so we must be quite as not to wake him'

Oh God, they can't see me like this. I jump up quickly and dash up the stairs. I turn into my bedroom and close the door as quietly as possible. I collapse onto the bed, the clamber of feet up the stairs disturbing the silence.

'Goodnight Mama, Goodnight Papa'

'Goodnight Emmeline'

I want to drown out the whole world Just to make everything stop. No mother nor father, no little sister, No Herr Rilow; only Hanschen and I. But – of course – that can never happen.

'Goodnight Ernst'

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**Oh God! Hanschen left! Sorry, I probably should have warned you about how overtly OOC Hansi was but never mind, I know this chapter could have been much more powerful but I only normal get C's so meh. and Yes,I am aware that that is one of the most FAIL chapters endings in the hisory of ever. Please Review & Thanks for Reading. **

_**~ Sophie xxx**_


	4. And Try To Bury Something So Intense

**Thankyou to all the lovely people who reviewed the previous chapter – writerchic90, Chalcedony Rivers, TveitsBoyfriend, HanschenRilowIsTheSex.**

**To Mee..,x- I'm really sorry about that, I forgot that I'd rated it K+ , so could everyone please excuse Hansi's dropping of the F-Bomb from the last chapter**

**To TheGemmadale – I hadn't really though about it but 17/18 ish seems good =]**

**Disclaimer – How many times are you gonna make me say it!?...Not Mine, I simply play with the toys, then put them back when i've finished...=]**

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_**Remember the Word Forget**_

Chapter Four:_ And Try To Bury Something So Intense…_

'_Hanschen!'_

I grope blindly into the darkness – waiting for the familiar feel of his skin against mine, yearning for the contact. I run my hand along the space beside me; I feel the rough, cold wool of my blankets beneath my hand.

'H-Hanschen?'

_Im here Ernst – right here – I'll always be here_

With that brief flicker of realisation it all comes flooding back. Everything that happened the night previous. The knock on the door, his crumpled figure, the tears, the goodbye… all of it.

Without warning fat, salty tears come tumbling down my face. The fact that he's not here, the harsh way of remembering, cuts me like a knife.

No, not a knife. A blade's swipe is too swift and too much of a clean cut. My pain is like being cut with glass. It gouges a hole in my chest. Leaving the edges rugged and torn. Filled with shards of glass, and when those shards are leant on or caught the pain come stabbing back in concentrated assaults to my open abrasion. I'm wounded.

If I wrap my arms around myself and hold tight it keeps the pain in. Stops it spilling out and making a terrible mess. If I keep my mouth pursed tight I can't scream or throw up. If I imagine that he's gone for good, that he'll never come back, then this terrible wailing sound will begin and never stop. I might go mad.

And I can't let that happen. I promised him I wouldn't.

There's a soft tapping at my door. I quickly wipe the tears away from my face.

'Come in.'

The door opens slowly and my eyes are struck by the offending light of the candle. Once my eyes have adjusted I can make out the darks curls outlining her milky complexion and the wide eyes set into her face. It's Emmeline.

'What's wrong, Emmeline?'

She comes and sits next to me on the bed, setting her candle down on the bedside table.

'Are you okay, Ernst, I heard you crying?'

'Oh no, its nothing, I'm fine'

'Is it because Hanschen left?'

'H-how do you know?'

'When we got off the train, I saw him getting on, I tried to call him but…he was crying, Ernst' an innocent disbelief flickers through her voice.

'Oh' I mumble into my pyjama sleeve.

'I presumed he was going for a long time, all of the family, they had a lot of bags'

'Right'

'Do you know why they're leaving?'

I shake my head

There's an awkward silence as she looks up at me with large brown eyes, she reaches her hand across to mine and holds it.

'Is it….is it because you and Hanschen are…together'

_Feign innocence_

"What do you m-mean, Emmeline, perhaps you should go back to bed, it is-'

'Ernst, I know…I've always known'

'Know w-what, Emmeline, its late, go to-'

'Ernst, please listen' I heave a sigh and she interprets that a sign to continue 'I know about you and Hanschen'

'W-what, how?' I could honestly never lie to her, she knows me to well.

'Just after Moritz Stiefel's death, that night when you came home late, you said that you had been studying with Hanschen Rilow in the vineyard, that was the first night you spoke of Hanschen, and you have spoken of him every night since'

'Oh'

'And don't you remember, a few months after that, I told you that I thought Hanschen liked you… I could tell by the way he looked at you'

'But that was three years ago, you were nine years old, how could you tell?'

'And then…three weeks ago' she continues, practically ignoring my question 'when Mama and Papa went to the Lammermier's party, I saw you and Hanschen… together'

Dear God, no! Please say she didn't…

'What do you mean "together"?'

'…_together_…'

'Oh Emmeline! Listen I can explain…'

'Ernst, you don't need to explain…I know'

'How?'

'Well, you know Heidi Lammermier'

'Otto's little sister'

'Yes, her mother had asked her children to throw away the things they did not want anymore, and Heidi went through Otto's things…and she found an essay…'

'YOU READ MELCHIOR GABOR'S ESSAY?!'

'Ernst! Shh! You'll wake Mama'

'When was this?'

'Sometime last year'

The silence settles quickly upon us. She takes her other hand and places it atop of mine, her other hand squeezing tighter, encasing my own.

'Don't worry Ernst, I wont tell anyone…I promise'

'Th-thankyou'

'Really, Ernst, please be honest, are you okay'

I shake my head as the tears start to fall again. She pulls me close, wrapping her arms around me. I can't understand why she's not pushing me away, any normal child who had just found out about her elder brother and their best friend's seemingly clandestine affair would have told their Mama straight away, not be sat comforting them, and whispering words of reassurance. I don't deserve to be treated so kindly, not after everything I've done.

God, it hurts. The constant ache in my chest and the pang in my stomach. I just want to scream, use up all the air in my lungs, and just collapse. Block the whole world out.

I want to be **alone**.

'Emmeline, go back to bed' I attempt to keep my tone amiable but it's not working very well.

'No, Ernst, I want to stay with you, you're upset.'

'Emmeline please...'

'No, I'm…'

'Just GO!' I snap, and she flinches away from me, her hands now folded in her lap 'Just go....' I finish. She dashes out of the door closing it softly behind her.

The guilt sets in quickly. I didn't mean to snap at her…I just want to be alone. I hug my knees to my chest, a pathetic attempt to hold myself together. Perhaps if I block it out it will be like it never happened, like _we_ never happened, perhaps Hanschen was right about forgetting, perhaps it would make things less painful.

Oh, who am I kidding, certainly not myself. In my attempts to not think about him, I'm thinking about him and the harder I try the more it hurts. This is theory of forgetting is futile…it wont work.

In the light of Emmeline's candle my room is illuminated slightly, it looks the same, but different. Maybe it doesn't look different, but feels different, and perhaps it's not the room at all, perhaps it's_ me_ that's different.

Everything is the same. The chest of drawers, the bedside table, the bookshelf, the desk, the chair, Hanschen's jacket.

Oh.

I fling my legs over the side of the bed and stand up, they buckle slightly, but persistently I pad over to the chair, which Hanschen's jacket is draped casually over, as if he put it there himself. I grasp the material and bring it to my chest, clutching it tighter; I back up until the back of my knee's are connecting with my bed, taking the weight off my feet. My head smacks, with a soft thump, against the iron frame, but I can ignore the throbbing in my head, it hurts a lot less than the rest.

I run my hands across the garment, letting my fingers trace every detail of the stitching. As I bring it closer to my face, I notice it's now only slightly damp and smell's more of Hanschen and less of wetness. I close my eyes feeling the tears tickling down my cheeks, why can't I stop crying? Stop feeling, just make it stop. My hands are running across the softer material on the inside of the jacket, its cold beneath my burning skin, and slightly comforting. My fingers brush against something in the inside pocket, disrupting the path of my hands. I pull out the offending object for closer inspection. A folded piece of paper. Unfolding it I rest it in my lap. I recognise the slanted scrawl that spreads itself across the page. It's my handwriting. And it's a letter from me…to him.

_Hanschen, you shouldn't disclose such things in a letter, what if my mama were to find it? Plus I had to lie to Emmeline when she I asked me why I was blushing so much from reading a letter! But I do agree it would be most…enjoyable if we could do those things you suggested, although the house would most definitely have to be empty at the time. My mother also wanted to know if you would care to join me on the fourteenth of next month, as she and Papa are going to visit one of his friends in Berlin, of course there would still be Emmeline, but my mama thinks that we haven't spent a lot of time together in a while, and thinks it's about time you came to stay over. If you hadn't figured she still unaware of your nightly visit, though she did enquire why my window was open the other morning. Do reply soon._

_All My Love_

_Ernst_

What was this doing in Hanschen's jacket? I presumed his father would have gotten rid of all the letters, unless Hanschen had smuggled this one, or possibly he didn't even know it was in there. No matter, it wasn't with him, it was with me, and it wasn't mine, now I had two things of his that didn't belong to me. And perchance, if he had intended to take this with him, he now had nothing to remember me by…what if he forgot me? I'm sure there'll be dozens upon dozens of pretty girls wherever he's going, and he'll be married in no-time. Yes, he'll easily forget the stupid little boy that he had a fling with in his adolescence, of course he would…he's Hanschen.

_I fucking love you Ernst Robel…_

Oh god, how could I think such cruel things about him when he told me he loved me, I understand how hard that was for him, I honestly do, but didn't he realise it would do more harm than good telling me that ,knowing he would be leaving me, I can't cope with it.

I slide my hand underneath my mattress, until it comes into contact the object I was looking for. I pull out the bundle of letters and quickly unravel the twine that binds them. They all start the same way. '_Dearest Ernst.'_ The amount of times he had chastised me for not starting my letters correctly was countless, my letters always started with a simple '_Hanschen,_'. I flick through the pile until I find the one I was looking for.

_Dearest Ernst_

_Why must I say it out loud? I presume, by now, you are aware that the feeling is mutual; I don't understand the necessity for my feelings towards you to be voiced. Some things are better left unsaid. I do wish you would stop persisting to get me to say those goddamn words, I feel awful when you tell me and I can not reciprocate , although really , it is your fault, if you didn't say it, I would have no need to reply, therefore you would not feel rejected. So please, stop asking because you can go off a person Ernst._

_That word I will not say to you – Hanschen x_

I remember after I received this letter, I started crying; although it was the closest he had ever gotten to telling me he loved me, he had also said that you could go off a person, and being me, I took him seriously. I skim through a few more letters, pausing to read some of them, and then I come across the reply to the letter in Hanschen's jacket.

_Dearest Ernst_

_Sorry about any embarrassing incidents my sentiments may have caused, though I would love to hear the feeble attempt of an excuse you gave your little sister. How could a refuse an offer such as that? I would be glad to join you on the fourteenth, but first you must agree to come to my house this weekend for a __sleepover_. _Father is going to see Natascha and when I asked mother if some-one could come over she said I could do as I pleased (Oh, how tempting). Also I shall be coming round to visit you this afternoon so tell me your decision then._

_Next time close your window – Hanschen x _

Tears drop silently onto the paper. Quickly, I place it by the candle to dry, I will not make the mistake I have done before and wipe the paper. I slip my letter to Hanschen back into its respective home. After reading the letters, I feel a slight sense of closure and sure enough that will pass, and something will happen and I'll catch one of those shards perhaps, but for the time being, I feel stable enough re-engage the act of sleep. I lean across to blow the candle out and I'm engulfed in darkness. I can feel it pressing down on me. The emptiness. It feels like all four walls of this room are closing in on me, pushing everything away till im left with only my thought and memories.

_**Alone…**_

_Look into his eyes_

_For some compromise_

_Remember the word forget_

_And Try to bury something so intense…_

_FIN._

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**All gone. And look *grabs innocent bystander* no happy ending! So yes I re-used the f-word, (sorry about that, and also sorry for in the previous chappie Hansi calling his dad a barsteward) So um ,yup, thats it, the end of my first and something i would like to point out to my dear friend Daniel - Hernst is NOT canonical slash, beacuse canonical slash does not exist, seeing as slash is a couple of fictional characters with a close PLATONIC bond, that fic writers think need some lovin and put them together as a couple. Seeing as Hernst is a Canon Couple its not canonical slash (neither is mo/jo ,peter/jason etc) I loves you all fro reading =D**

**Big **_**MAHOOSIVE **_**Thank-yous to…**

**-Chalcedony Rivers**

** writerchic90**

**(You reviewed all the chapters so far! You rule! =D)**

**-Willower (My 1****st**** review ever! Thankies!)**

**TveitsBoyfriend**

**HanschenFangirl**

**geekchic79**

**XxSarahCullenxX**

**:)**

**mimiroger**

**HanschenRilowIsTheSex**

**TheGemmadale**

**Mee..,x**

**El**

_**YOU GUYS ROCK MY SOCK XD!**_

**Much Love…**

Sophie xxx

(P.S…There may be a sequel =]...that is , if you guys want one)


	5. There Are Many Things Left To Remind Me

**Oooh! An extra chapter. Well, I only wrote this because my dearest friend Danny thought that "There could be a lot of fun going on with Ernst and that jacket" (doesn't he have a way with words) so I wrote this for him. Oh, and by the way, Danny says that he is in love with you, **_**TveitsBoyfriend**_** because you said (Well typed) that "Hanschen is fit. So are reviews" (or words to that effect). Don't worry he scares the shit out of us too.**

**Disclaimer- I'm not that Awesome.**

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**Emmeline's POV**

_(Oh God, an OC's POV, please don't hate me)_

I watch as Heidi, Matilda and Luella plunder my staircase, personally I think I should be leading, after all, it is my house, but Heidi is a natural born leader, so its just easier to let her go in front. Soon, we're all gathered on the landing.

"My room is the second on the left" I inform the trio. Heidi glances to the door directly at our right.

"Which room is that" Heidi asks, gesturing to the door in question.

"It's Ernst's room, why?"

A sound that can only be described as a high-pitched 'eep' is elicited from Heidi as she pushes the door open and strides in, dumping herself of Ernst's bed, Matilda and Luella follow in suit.

"Heidi, we shouldn't be in here, this isn't my room and…"

"So, how old is your brother" she interrupts.

"Seventeen, he'll be eighteen in a few months"

"So he's a little bit younger than Hanschen?" We all groan and roll our eyes at Heidi's reference to Hanschen.

"Yes…"

"And does he keep a journal?"

"Well, I don't know, if he does he certainly keeps it well hidden as I have never seen him with one" Excitement sparkled in her amber eyes, as she rises of the bed.

"Well we shall just have to look then" Then before I have time to obtain control of the situation, all three girls are ransacking Ernst's bedroom.

"Heidi! What on earth are you doing?"

"Well everyone has there secrets; we just have to unearth them…Oh come on Emmie, aren't you at least a little bit curious as to what secrets your brother keeps from the rest of the family?"

I am perfectly aware of what Ernst keeps from our parents; it is something I also feel obliged to keep from them as well. God only knows what would happen if they found out, well actually, we know what would happen, he would get taken away from me…Like Hanschen got taken away from him. I'm not Heidi, and I actually care about my brother, Heidi's just a menace who seems to find joy in spoiling things for other people, sometimes I wonder why we are even friends.

"Emmeline, why does your brother have a bible on his desk?"

"Because he is very religious, he wishes to become a pastor when he is older"

Luella scoffs at the mere suggestion of it. Not that I really care much for her opinion, she just follows Heidi around and follows through with all her demands, Matilda on the other hand, is only with us because we are the only girls remotely close to her age.

"Ooh, what's this?" Heidi's voice rings with wicked glee. The garment she is holding in her hands is a jacket.

Oh god.

"Heidi, put that down"

"This is too big too be your brother's"

"What of it?"

"Why does he have a jacket that is not his under his pillow?"

"I-I…Heidi put it back" Ignoring me, she drapes the garment around her should and slips her arms into the sleeves. She runs her fingers over one of the lapels, and brushes her cheek against it, inhaling deeply. Something I had seen Ernst do countless amounts of times in the month that has passed since Hanschen's departure.

"Heidi. Put it back" I hiss through gritted teeth.

"It smells amazing" she taunts "and it's so soft" her hand brushes over lapel again, I presume for effect.

"Heidi, Put it back"

She rolls here eyes "You sound like a broken record Emmeline, and what are you going to do if I don't?" Then the stupid bitch begins pirouetting around Ernst's bedroom, flaunting the jacket so superficially. She observes her reflection in the full-length mirror. "Don't you think it suits me Emmeline?"

"NO! Put the god damn jacket back"

"You shouldn't take the lords name in vain, especially if your darling brother wants to become a pastor" she jeers. Everything is now a blur, Heidi is still dancing around the room but now she has started singing a stupid nursery rhyme about love, Luella is laughing but, much to my dismay, so is Matilda.

"W-what a-are you d-doing"

And everything suddenly stops in cue with the, to them, unfamiliar voice. To me the voice is easily recognisable.

"Ernst, let me explain…"

"Emmeline, w-why is she wearing H-Ha…Hanschen's jacket"

All eyes flick to Ernst at the mention of Hanschen's name. He may not be the most popular among girls his own age, but to every other girl in the town, he was the target of an amorously adoring fascination. Especially Heidi Lammermier

"Oh, its Hanschen's jacket is it?" Heidi pipes up; evaluating the jacket with new eyes, as if it is the first time she had seen the article of clothing. She rubs her hand rhythmically along one of the sleeves.

"S-Stop" Ernst whispers, Heidi glances in his direction, but dismisses him quickly.

"Just to think, Hanschen was once _inside_ this jacket, his arms brushing against the silky lining, the sheer_ heat_ of his body, Oh and the _smell_, it's wonderful, simply _intoxicating…_Oh isn't he _gorgeous! _You'd have to be one lucky person to actually be with Hanschen, to walk with him, to hold hands with him, to actually be able to _ kiss_ him…to _touch_ him" she lilts, adding unnecessary emphasis to certain words as her cheeks gradually darken to an unsettling shade of scarlet. To put it politely, perhaps Heidi is a _little_ bit obsessed. Quite often had Otto compared her to Thea who was the constant butt of the boy's jokes.

Matilda cringed at Heidi's speech, I felt positively repulsed and disturbed and even Luella looked rather sickened by Heidi's sentiments. I turn to look at Ernst, tears brimming in his eyes and his hands are clenched into tight fists. This must be so hard for him, why won't she just shut the hell up.

"I wish he would touch me!"

That was too far. She was completely unabashed. Her words, giggled on delivery, were completely uncalled for, and this time the look of disgust on Luella face is prominent.

"Stop" Ernst says, more forcefully this time. Heidi glances at him again. "What?" when he has no reply she continues with her filthy rambling. I reach my hand out and rest it on Ernst's forearm; he turns to face me, his eyes wide and scared, his brow crumpled in confusion. He opens and closes his mouth several times, as if attempting to say something, but eventually he fails.

"Perhaps I should just keep the jacket"

"NO!" Ernst yells, his voice breaking slightly. A malicious smirk graces Heidi's ironically angelic features.

"Ernst, why do you have Hanschen Rilow's jacket, and more importantly why do you care so much about it…is there something you're not telling us?"

"I…I…I d-don't know what you're t-trying to imply"

"Hmm, I thought as much…I wonder, where did Hanschen actually go? I mean, his family just seemed to disappear, and right after my mother said she would prefer me to marry one of the Rilow children…perhaps she meant Hanschen!"

"Do you even know what you're talking about?" Ernst words are delivered with such force, such vehemence, Heidi hesitates before answering.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You haven't got a clue have you? What it's really like to be with someone, someone who you actually care for…someone you'd doing absolutely _anything_ for. You're just a stupid little girl with a crush who has read for to many books for her own good. It's not really how it's portrayed in fiction, nothing lasts forever…and you. You're just curious; I can guarantee you've never been touched, you just long to know what it's like don't you? Don't you? You shouldn't speak of things you have no real understanding of!" Ernst is now merely a few inches away from Heidi, and she's the one who looks like she's about to cry.

"You're one to talk! I've never seen you with any girl, ever!" Ernst steps back slightly, keeping his gaze to the ground. That smirk glosses her face again.

"Oh…there's a reason for that, isn't there Ernst"

"Shut-up" he whispers

"Would I be right in thinking you prefer the feel of a man's body?"

"Heidi, that's a little inappropriate" Matilda scolds.

"I think…that Ernst prefers boys"

"Stop It!" Ernst screams "Just stop it!"

"Im right aren't I! You're down right faggot!"

"Heidi, stop it, you've gone too far! Leave him alone" Luella protests, standing up, placing herself between Ernst and Heidi.

"No! I shan't stop! He's got some sick obsession with Hanschen, that why he's got his jacket!"

"You're the one with the sick obsession Heidi! We all like Hanschen, but with you, it's just disturbing"

Ernst presses himself against the wall, before sliding down it and wrapping his arms around his knees. I run over and rap my arms around him, he leans into me.

"Heidi come on, let's go, Im really sorry Emmeline" Luella grabs her arms, but Heidi pulls it out of her grasp.

"No! Im not leaving until Ernst tells us the real reason he has Hanschen's jacket"

Ernst is mumbling something that I can't quite comprehend, his whole body is trembling. He was coping so well, but now Heidi has come along and ruined it all, like she always does.

"They were best friends Heidi, im sure Hanschen just left it here…"

"That doesn't explain why it was under his pillow, and why are you defending him!"

"Get out" Ernst says.

"What?"

"GET OUT! NOW! JUST GO! GET OUT!"

His voice is hysteric and Heidi looks rather scared, Matilda reaches a sympathetic hand and rests it on Ernst's shoulder, Luella comes and crouches by his side. Ernst peeks up at them us through his fringe, eyes wide and pleading.

"Please, just leave, all I want is to be alone…p-please leave"

"Of course, we're sorry Ernst" Matilda consoles.

"Yes, very sorry" Luella agree while standing up. "I'll see you at school Emmie" I nod as they leave the room.

Heidi is still stood by Ernst bed, still wearing Hanschen's jacket.

"Didn't you hear him? Leave!"

"No, not until he tells the truth!"

Move so I'm stood opposite her.

"Don't you think you've done enough damage, Falsely accusing him of such activities, if I were you I'd be worried about your own brother, he spends and awful lot of time with Georg, don't you think?"

"Don't you dare accuse Otto of that, your brothers the faggot, not mine"

"Don't call him that!"

"Why!? That's what he is, the sick bastard!"

And before Im aware of what im doing, my hand collides with Heidi's face. He brings her own hand up to her cheek.

"Just leave Heidi."

She glares down at me, before tearing the jacket off and throwing it to the ground. She takes one last look at Ernst, spitting on the ground next to him before running out of the door and down the stairs.

I dash back to Ernst sobbing form and attempt to wrap my arms around him, but he pushes me away.

"Emmeline, please I…"

"I know Ernst, Im going" I stand up but he grabs my hand

"Th-thankyou-u"

I force a smile before departing and closing the door behind on him.

**Please don't hate on me too much for writing from an OC's POV, I just thought it might work for this. And yes, perhaps Ernst was over reacting, but still, I wanted to make an Evil OC who everyone could hate, and then HEIDI was spawned. He creepy little speech is based of what our girl in our form said in one oof our drama lessons (its was an improv abour obsession, don't ask) Reviews are the Hanschen to my Ernst (yes I have my own Ernst) and we can't have a Hanschen-less Ernst, can we? ^_^**

P.S- JBW is Danny's Guycrush..,=P


	6. Im Sorry,Guys!

Hey Guys..Im so so sorry for not updating, but worry not**_ I have not nor will I ever abandon this story_**, I've just had a lot of issues as of late..And I know, thats no excuse, but still...**Thankyou to all my wonderful reviewers!** (You make life not so boring) And if anyone has any suggestions for further chapters please message me or send them in a review..Okay..THANKYOU!!

Hansi And Ernst Sittin InATree (Sophie) xx ^_^


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